The other day I saw this nutty thing. It had to do with ducks. Now mind you, I’m pretty ambivalent when it comes to ducks. You could say I have negative interest when it comes to ducks, but for a second, the other day, I thought I was watching The Discovery Channel. In other words, I wasn’t thinking Disney here folks! Donald and Daisy were the furthest thing from my mind.
I won’t elaborate as to what precisely nutty thing I saw in “the long form” here. Suffice to say it involved the male ducking pinching the female duck on the back of her neck and rendering her defenseless. He then proceeded – shall we say, for the sake of this blog – to dance a little Disco Duck on her back.
Of all the nutty experiences and things I have seen in my nearly 49 years on this planet, seeing all that take place before my very eyes – the other day – may have scarred me for life! And I’ll tell you the reason why. I saw them together a few days later, late at night, sitting in the cool grass – the male about a foot and a half behind the female, sleeping with their little duck bills tucked up under their wings.
The combination of these two things lead me to the conclusion that it was all because of spring: when a young duck’s fancy turns to pinching the living crap out of the neck of a female duck thus rendering her helpless to his masculine charms (kind of like a Vulcan nerve pinch), thereby insuring the propagation of the species. Which as it turns out is the way it is with nearly 100% of all species living on this planet.
It was all due to springtime - his behavior, her giving in to his “ducky” will and the subsequent hanging out they were doing together I witnessed a few days later in the middle of the night.
Then I got to thinking. I’ve been pinched on the back of the neck before. It’s not pleasant. It really, really, really hurts! Of course no one jumped on my back afterward, but still, why was the female duck still hanging and chilling with this guy after what he did to her? That was the question I asked myself the next time I saw those two together. In all sincerity, I could not come up with a single solitary answer to that question that made any shred of sense to me at all, except for one: instinct.
Somewhere, deep in the recesses of their “duckness” and their “ducky” DNA is the answer to that question. That’s truly the only explanation that makes sense.
So the next time you see a man insulting his wife in public, ladies and gentlemen, or something similar to that, you had better ask yourself, “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and acts like a duck. . .”
I don’t claim to know anything about male-female relationships in this crazy mixed up world that we live in but I do know one thing. If we humans are put on this Earth to live out a life with someone and perhaps make a family with them, why not try to do that without pinching any necks, disco ducking on any backs or constantly watching or scrutinizing their every move, even while they sleep?
Wouldn’t the world be a much nicer place if the male duck, perhaps, first, got the female duck’s father’s permission to date her, take her to a TGIFridays or an Applebees or whatever so that after they got to know each other a little better the female could decide for herself whether she wanted her neck pinched or not?
It’s spring. I’m sure the females feel crowded enough during springtime, but just once, couldn’t the males just take them to a Cubs game, first, for crying out loud? Or could we somehow hold a “duck summit” where the males and females come to terms of some kind. Perhaps have Henry Kissinger come out of retirement and mediate?
“Ok, zee girls vant you to go easy on the neck pinching and zee boys want their Comcast Sports Net. Sign right here on zee dotted line. Does anyone have a pen?”
Seeing all that happen in the last few days or so seriously put a whole new spin for me on “Duck, Duck, Goose.” Let’s hope I get over this trauma soon!
If you want to do something nice today? First put a little salt peter in the popcorn the next time you’re at the lake feeding the ducks this spring. Or have a a little sympathy, would you, send a female duck to a day spa for some pampering – she really deserves it!
Chalk this all up to one of life’s great and beautiful mysteries, folks!
Peace and take care everybody!
MJC
Thursday Cinco de Mayo, 2011
